Letting Someone Special Go...

Have you ever found someone special and you have fallen completely in love with them... Yet, something still wasn't sitting right. Whether or not it was them, you just feel like there is something else in store for you. It may be something better or maybe it's just not your time yet to head towards marriage.

A little background on this relationship:

We moved really fast the first week, I swear the word marriage was out our mouths within the first week. Funny thing is, is that I didn't bring it up, he did. This being my first "real" relationship, I wanted to take it slow. I wanted to date and be wooed but he wanted to race to the finish line. A finish line I wasn't even sure I wanted with him yet. But, just the talk of marriage fills your head with hopes and you begin to see yourself able to marry the person beside you. I could very easily see marriage when he was by my side... Given this was a long distance relationship, he lives about an hour and 30 minutes away. When we weren't within the same vicinity of each other, he faltered and said he wasn't ready to commit. We went through this every week for 3 weeks. The last time he did it, I didn't let him back in. I was done.

I wasn't just done because of his indecisiveness. Being an active member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, I dream and desire a Temple marriage. Where I can be sealed for time and all eternity with the man I love; this is something I want right out of the gate. I don't want to be married civilly and then be sealed to my spouse and family for eternity. It is not how I imagine my wedding and I finally decided that I would settle for nothing less. At the point where this guy was at in his life, that's exactly what I would be doing getting married civilly and then somewhere down the road being sealed in the Temple. I came to really understand that that was not what I wanted and I honestly felt it would be better for him if I was just his friend. I could support him better that way as he got himself to a better point in his life.

I wrote this little snippet of how I was feeling one day and posted it on tumblr. I will put it here for you to read as well:

"Sometimes you find someone special and everything is perfect and it all fits. They fit. Your family loves them, they love your family, and all is happy and blissful. Except for one thing… They aren’t at a point in their life where things can move forward at a good healthy pace.

You’re then left to reason with yourself and try to decide what is best for you and for them in the scheme of things. How best to be the support they need without getting caught in the crossfire as they try and get themselves into a better place. Because you know that your feelings aren’t a toy and getting involved or staying involved would mean your feelings being played with, even if it isn’t on purpose. So you make the hardest decision of your life. You pull this amazing, fulfilling, beautiful relationship to a standstill. To where you are just two friends who love each other so much more than just friends because it is better that way. You cry. You miss them. You long to fall asleep in their arms again… But no matter how much you wish or how much you ache to be with them… You know you made the right decision. That you just being their friend is what they really need and that is the best way that you can love them is by allowing them the time they need to move forward and become who they want to be.

No matter how much it hurts and how much you miss them in every way, you have to somehow find peace in the fact that you made the right decision. That the love you still have for each other is enough because it HAS to be."

Doing that was the hardest decision of my life but I had more reasons then what has been previously listed. The Temple Marriage wasn't the only thing that made me decide to truly keep it as friends. My first post on here is from several years ago when I decided I would go on a mission. Since then, I was told to go back to school and I am happily in my third semester of attendance at Utah State University. I love it there and I am learning so much about myself and what I want to pursue career-wise in my life. It's liberating and fantastic! I'm majoring in English with my emphasis in Creative Writing and then I am minoring in American Sign Language. I L O V E SIGN LANGUAGE!!!! It's beautiful and just fantastic. Anyways, this last July, I was receiving a blessing from my step-dad and in it the Lord told me that if I still desired to serve a mission it was my choice. If I wanted to go it was my time and if I didn't that was alright, it was between He and I if I was to go or not. Since then I had been struggling with receiving a clear answer from the Lord on what I needed to do next in my life. Throughout this relationship, I had at the beginning of the year, I grew closer to my Father in Heaven once more. I was back to where I was when I received my blessing and going through the ups and downs with that guy, I received my answer. My next step was to serve a full-time LDS mission not to proceed to Marriage. Because of that answer, I was given the strength to stand up for myself and I am currently working hard towards that goal of serving a full-time 18 month mission for my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, and His Father.

I am so grateful for the opportunity to receive revelation from my Heavenly Father and for His unconditional love. I knew before and I know even more now that He will NEVER leave you desolate. He is always there and He is always conscious of you in every moment of your life. My favorite scripture to remind me of this is:

Moroni 8:3

"I am mindful of you always in my prayers, continually praying unto God the Father in the name of his Holy Child, Jesus, that he, through his infinite goodness and grace, will keep you through the endurance of faith on his name to the end (emphasis added)."

Through Him, I know that I can accomplish anything and reach the final destination which is to be in His presence once more with my family gathered around me. What a beautiful picture it paints! To be with your family forever under the loving hands of very loving Heavenly Parents. Without Him, I wouldn't have had the strength to do what I did. He gave me the strength I need because I was following His plan and I knew what I was doing was what the Lord desired and that made it all the easier. Do I still miss him somedays? You betcha! Even still, I know the right decision was made and now I am moving forward and becoming a better version of myself. Experiencing what I have, even though it was a short period of time, changed me and I learned much. For that I am grateful and will eternally be grateful. I finally had my first love. He will always have a special place in my heart and I am better for knowing him. Somehow, I hope he feels the same way about me. 

Don't not give up what you want in life because something good or even great comes along. Strive for the best possible option! If you feel like you deserve better then go for it! Be strong enough to love yourself enough to continue forward for what you truly want. There will always be fear that maybe there isn't anyone else better. There is someone or something better. THERE ALWAYS IS! Fighting for what you deserve is important and when you have enough faith to trust that our Heavenly Father loves you enough then you know that whatever you desire above all else, is your future. If your desire is righteous and what He knows you need, He will always help you achieve it. If it isn't what He has planned for you be humble enough to accept His will because when we follow His will that is when we find true joy.

Remember that!! God bless you all!! Thank you for reading and I hope you enjoy your day!! Smile because everyone needs something bright in their day and your smile may just be what someone else needs.

Be Happy!! Be Strong!! Most of all, BE YOU!!! <3 xx