... Fear is a very real thing. Fear of what we are meant to do. Fear of change, especially when we are unsure of what that change entails. Fear of worry. Fear of heartbreak. Fear of letting someone in again, after being hurt and left behind almost every single time. Fear of seeing your dreams come to fruition... Fear of reaching your goals, which sounds insane because who doesn't want such a thing, but the reality of it is... Is far too often, we run...
There are so many things that can go wrong in this whirlwind of living. More often than I would like to admit, I am terrified and I think I have lied to myself so often that it has gotten to the point where I don't even recognize the feeling anymore. I don't even realize I'm pulling back or hiding from what I want to do. When in reality, all along it is simply f e a r. Fear of the unknown. Fear of losing myself. Fear of finding what I want and still not being satisfied.
As I have been approaching a move, I have found my old friend fear... Perhaps I shouldn't call her my old friend. I think it would be more accurate to call her my nemesis. Either way, fear has wound her way back into my heart and my subconscious... but for the first time, I think I am finally beginning to understand, my beloved nemesis fear. She just wants to be comfortable after all. She isn't trying to hold me back or make me worry. She is only doing what she thinks is best... And I realize once more, how binding she can be. How lonely she makes me feel...
When I have dreamed about my life and imagined where I would be at my current age... My reality doesn't even come close. Recently, I've tried to examine the reasons why and sadly I have come to recognize it's all my own doing because I have allowed fear to rule my life.
Those who are of my closer acquaintances would probably tell you how I've portrayed myself as a Woman of Faith and while I have tried to be such... I do not feel as such. I feel like every day is an uphill climb and one sometimes I would much rather not even give the time of day. Don't get me wrong, I have been happy. Not even two months ago, I was so deliriously happy and I felt extremely undeserving of it all. And as is life, I have fallen once more and been dished a GIANT plate of humble pie. I have felt more worthless in my job hunt than I would care to admit and I haven't felt this lonely since after my father died when I was 15.
I don't write this to gain pity or sympathy. In fact, I am not even sure if this post will ever see the light of day... But I am tired. I don't want to be seen as perfect. I am so beyond flawed that I ache at my own weakness. I ache with a stirring passion of wanting to be more but feel incapacitated by my utter fear of the unknown. Those within my religion would simple quote, "Replace your fear with faith", and I know they are right. I, also, understand that is much easier said than it is put into practice. I know with God I can do all things. I think where I get hung up is having faith in myself and my ability to follow. I am so terrified of failing and being a disappointment that I place far more responsibility on my shoulders than God and His Son would ever truly require of me. I don't place enough of it on Their shoulders to help buoy me up because They are what will make me whole and make me enough for the task.
There are days where I wish for a fix all, as unrealistic as that is. Oh how much simpler that would be! But in reality, I don't think I want a fix all. I hate struggling but I know that it makes me stronger. I know without it, I would not EVER reach what I am destined to reach. I may be terrified of what I am capable of, good and bad, but I will do my best to follow the righteous guidelines I have been given. I want so much for the aching to go away, but I know that my aching is preparing me to be able to empathize with my fellowmen.
I feel I am able to talk a big game and I come off as knowing all the answers but it is so far from the truth that I feel hypocritical admitting it. I do not have all the answers. I do not know for sure that I will be okay in the end which is entirely based on my own choices, which is (I'll admit) very intimidating. I over-analyze everything and everyone because I like to know how it all ticks. At the same time, I have spent so much time worrying about how other people tick, that I have forgotten to study myself. I'm late in the game getting there, I feel, but I am going to do my best to understand myself because I want to be better. I want to be stronger and I want to leave a mark on this world even if it is only within the heart of one person. Even if that person is myself. My body is weak but my soul is strong! She understands better than my mortal mind likes to admit or can even fathom. I feel the tugging of something great and I have never responded well to being pushed... I can be too stubborn, to the point where I sabotage myself.
I don't desire to be some great lady, in some grand house, with more money than I know what to do with. I want a simple life, where my dreams are true and honest. Where I have the love of a husband, child/children, and those that follow. My biggest and most aching dream is to be able to love someone the way they deserve to be loved and have that love in return. In my short life on this earth, I have begun to understand how special and rare such love is. I'm not talking about someone who makes me weak in the knees when he looks at me (although, that would be a bonus)... I want someone I genuinely respect and who respects me in return. I want genuine caring and a desire to watch over one another when we reach old age. I've had a wonderful example of such a love in my grandparents. I see the way my grandpa cares for my grandmother and the way he still looks at her after 60+ years of marriage. Above else, I desire someone to see me. Someone who can look into the dusty parts of my heart that I have been too afraid to venture into or allow anyone to venture and breathe life into it. Maybe it is a naive way of thinking because I know that I alone have the choice to allow someone in there. In addition, I am confident that when the right man comes along, I will be able to do such a thing because I'll know that I can trust him.
The problem that will still stand in the way of it all, is F E A R.
A question now stands before me and you...
Do we allow Fear to control our lives? Or do we push her aside and scream into the wind, " Stand aside Fear. The storm is coming!"?
I say, rather than being afraid of the storms of life, we create our own. I don't need fear and doubt anymore! I'd rather choose to accept faith, love, and hope into the corners of my dusty heart and soul because only there will I begin to thrive!
