All last week or the week before (I can't remember, ha) it rained which I found ironic in a sense because of what rainy days mean to me. I'd just gotten out of a relationship (as I have mentioned) and suddenly the skies were dark and overcast with rain falling down. Now to some that would mean depression and only make you miss your ex all the more... Not for me. I literally love rainy days so much! I feel calmed and more at peace when it's overcoast and the promise of rain is in the air.
During that week, it would sometimes pour, other times it was a drizzle, but there was always the scent of rain in the air. It was soothing to me, as I always seem to find rain soothing. Now you, like everyone else, are probably wondering why I love rain so much. More than not I would tell you what I would normally tell them which is simply that I love the sound of rain. The truth is much more complicated. There is so much more depth to my feelings than the simplistic answers that are given in everyday mundane conversation between acquaintances. I'm going to let you get a little under my skin with this post.
My love for rain is more than the sound of it pitter-pattering on the roof of a car or a tin roof. It's more than the way it ripples on the water's surface as it lands or the way it slowly descends on a windowpane and you find yourself following its meandering path. As your eyes follow, you find yourself reminiscing. You remember your past, the sad, the happy, the fantastic. You'll find yourself choking up over the sad memories, grinning from ear to ear from the happy ones, and almost outright laughing from the fantastic moments you recall. Once you've satisfied yourself to the past, you measure the difference from your past self to your present self. You recognize the changes not only in your appearance but in your soul, in the development of your personality. You connect the difficult times of your life to the kind of person you have become today, now, at this very moment and you feel almost grateful for the trying times. You feel grateful because you know that without them you would not have become who you are, at least not to the depth that you have currently reached and are seeking to reach in the future. This trail of thought leads you to thinking about your future, but you don't think too far ahead because it can be painful wondering what is in store. Who's waiting for you or who's not going to be around or even if you believe that you can actually become the person you are imagining. After all is said and done, you spend your time pondering and you feel a sense of self, like you have reconnected with your soul and you can take the next step forward with a clearer picture of where you want to go and who you want to be. After you have analyzed your past and present, you know that no matter what you go through in the future, you can always make it out on top because you're here now, aren't you? You've possibly already experienced your own personal Hell and have come out the other side conqueror! So, you know that you can do it again, if need be, with a different situation because you have proven to yourself and with the support of your Heavenly Father that you are strong enough.
Rainy days are my days because it gives me the perfect excuse to do all of that; to contemplate my past, my present and my future. Even with all of that immense depth (c'mon let's be real, that was pretty deep, am I right?!). Rainy days mean so much more than just a day to reminisce. Rainy days allow new beginnings. The rain washes away the dust, the mud, and even cleanses the atmosphere. The air smells before and after rainfall as sweet and refreshing as a cool glass of lemonade on a hot summer day. The rain is cleansing and purifying. It doesn’t just mean a new beginning or a fresh start for the land it washes over, it also means that I can begin anew, that through everything; every heartache, every tear, every angry moment, it can all be washed away with every raindrop that falls.
Just like the Atonement of our Savior, Jesus Christ. All of it is washed away and made new and made easier to carry when we accept His beautiful gift of redemption into our lives. Through His saving grace and His love all can be washed clean just like the Earth after rainfall. I love rainy days because it reminds me of the Savior and His atoning sacrifice He has gifted to us which is a sacrifice of love. He loved all of us SO MUCH INDIVIDUALLY that He suffered in the Garden of Gethsemane for each of us individually. He bled at every pore and cried out to the Father in anguish, went through THE most traumatic event so that we could all live with our Heavenly Father again. What a gift! What a gift of UNCONDITIONAL LOVE! How powerful is love truly? The Atonement is a testament of our Savior's love for each of us and for His love of our Father in Heaven. Not only of His love for us and the Father but what a testament of his testimony of the Plan of Salvation and of the Lord's plan for each of us individually! He knew that we would need help when we came to this Earth to live a mortal existence. A mortal existence, where we could learn and grow to become more like Him and His Beloved Son. How blessed and how loved we are! Knowing that and understanding it, that is where true joy lies and that is why we push on and why we continue to progress and move forward. When we understand that all we need is His love and Him, everything will fall into place. When we truly know, and I mean KNOW who we are and our Divine Nature, it makes ALL the difference! Every moment of every day, knowing that I have a Heavenly Father and an Elder Brother who love me unconditionally and support me in my righteous endeavors that is what gives me the strength to press on and to be the best me I can be. His love is unmatchless and unfathomable. If we knew, truly knew, how much the Lord loves us, we would be overwhelmed and overcome with such pure joy, we would not know what to do with ourselves. Understanding His love and His plan and following His guidance, that is when we find true happiness and when we live His teachings on top of it... No words. There are not words to describe how we would feel because it is that unfathomable and that WONDERFUL!!!! Just like the way I feel during a rainy day, being washed clean, feeling of His love for me and knowing that through His Atonement, I can always be washed clean, just like the Earth after rain.
A rainy day is my new beginning. A rainy day is my time to remember where I am going and who I want to be. It’s my day and my time to remember and move forward with renewed strength. My day, my time to progress with the Savior and my Father in Heaven as my guides.
Be Happy! Be Strong!! Most of all, BE YOU!!! <3 xxx
Sunday, February 8, 2015
Thursday, February 5, 2015
Letting Someone Special Go...
Have you ever found someone special and you have fallen completely in love with them... Yet, something still wasn't sitting right. Whether or not it was them, you just feel like there is something else in store for you. It may be something better or maybe it's just not your time yet to head towards marriage.
A little background on this relationship:
We moved really fast the first week, I swear the word marriage was out our mouths within the first week. Funny thing is, is that I didn't bring it up, he did. This being my first "real" relationship, I wanted to take it slow. I wanted to date and be wooed but he wanted to race to the finish line. A finish line I wasn't even sure I wanted with him yet. But, just the talk of marriage fills your head with hopes and you begin to see yourself able to marry the person beside you. I could very easily see marriage when he was by my side... Given this was a long distance relationship, he lives about an hour and 30 minutes away. When we weren't within the same vicinity of each other, he faltered and said he wasn't ready to commit. We went through this every week for 3 weeks. The last time he did it, I didn't let him back in. I was done.
I wasn't just done because of his indecisiveness. Being an active member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, I dream and desire a Temple marriage. Where I can be sealed for time and all eternity with the man I love; this is something I want right out of the gate. I don't want to be married civilly and then be sealed to my spouse and family for eternity. It is not how I imagine my wedding and I finally decided that I would settle for nothing less. At the point where this guy was at in his life, that's exactly what I would be doing getting married civilly and then somewhere down the road being sealed in the Temple. I came to really understand that that was not what I wanted and I honestly felt it would be better for him if I was just his friend. I could support him better that way as he got himself to a better point in his life.
I wrote this little snippet of how I was feeling one day and posted it on tumblr. I will put it here for you to read as well:
"Sometimes you find someone special and everything is perfect and it all fits. They fit. Your family loves them, they love your family, and all is happy and blissful. Except for one thing… They aren’t at a point in their life where things can move forward at a good healthy pace.
You’re then left to reason with yourself and try to decide what is best for you and for them in the scheme of things. How best to be the support they need without getting caught in the crossfire as they try and get themselves into a better place. Because you know that your feelings aren’t a toy and getting involved or staying involved would mean your feelings being played with, even if it isn’t on purpose. So you make the hardest decision of your life. You pull this amazing, fulfilling, beautiful relationship to a standstill. To where you are just two friends who love each other so much more than just friends because it is better that way. You cry. You miss them. You long to fall asleep in their arms again… But no matter how much you wish or how much you ache to be with them… You know you made the right decision. That you just being their friend is what they really need and that is the best way that you can love them is by allowing them the time they need to move forward and become who they want to be.
No matter how much it hurts and how much you miss them in every way, you have to somehow find peace in the fact that you made the right decision. That the love you still have for each other is enough because it HAS to be."
Doing that was the hardest decision of my life but I had more reasons then what has been previously listed. The Temple Marriage wasn't the only thing that made me decide to truly keep it as friends. My first post on here is from several years ago when I decided I would go on a mission. Since then, I was told to go back to school and I am happily in my third semester of attendance at Utah State University. I love it there and I am learning so much about myself and what I want to pursue career-wise in my life. It's liberating and fantastic! I'm majoring in English with my emphasis in Creative Writing and then I am minoring in American Sign Language. I L O V E SIGN LANGUAGE!!!! It's beautiful and just fantastic. Anyways, this last July, I was receiving a blessing from my step-dad and in it the Lord told me that if I still desired to serve a mission it was my choice. If I wanted to go it was my time and if I didn't that was alright, it was between He and I if I was to go or not. Since then I had been struggling with receiving a clear answer from the Lord on what I needed to do next in my life. Throughout this relationship, I had at the beginning of the year, I grew closer to my Father in Heaven once more. I was back to where I was when I received my blessing and going through the ups and downs with that guy, I received my answer. My next step was to serve a full-time LDS mission not to proceed to Marriage. Because of that answer, I was given the strength to stand up for myself and I am currently working hard towards that goal of serving a full-time 18 month mission for my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, and His Father.
I am so grateful for the opportunity to receive revelation from my Heavenly Father and for His unconditional love. I knew before and I know even more now that He will NEVER leave you desolate. He is always there and He is always conscious of you in every moment of your life. My favorite scripture to remind me of this is:
Moroni 8:3
"I am mindful of you always in my prayers, continually praying unto God the Father in the name of his Holy Child, Jesus, that he, through his infinite goodness and grace, will keep you through the endurance of faith on his name to the end (emphasis added)."
Through Him, I know that I can accomplish anything and reach the final destination which is to be in His presence once more with my family gathered around me. What a beautiful picture it paints! To be with your family forever under the loving hands of very loving Heavenly Parents. Without Him, I wouldn't have had the strength to do what I did. He gave me the strength I need because I was following His plan and I knew what I was doing was what the Lord desired and that made it all the easier. Do I still miss him somedays? You betcha! Even still, I know the right decision was made and now I am moving forward and becoming a better version of myself. Experiencing what I have, even though it was a short period of time, changed me and I learned much. For that I am grateful and will eternally be grateful. I finally had my first love. He will always have a special place in my heart and I am better for knowing him. Somehow, I hope he feels the same way about me.
Don't not give up what you want in life because something good or even great comes along. Strive for the best possible option! If you feel like you deserve better then go for it! Be strong enough to love yourself enough to continue forward for what you truly want. There will always be fear that maybe there isn't anyone else better. There is someone or something better. THERE ALWAYS IS! Fighting for what you deserve is important and when you have enough faith to trust that our Heavenly Father loves you enough then you know that whatever you desire above all else, is your future. If your desire is righteous and what He knows you need, He will always help you achieve it. If it isn't what He has planned for you be humble enough to accept His will because when we follow His will that is when we find true joy.
Remember that!! God bless you all!! Thank you for reading and I hope you enjoy your day!! Smile because everyone needs something bright in their day and your smile may just be what someone else needs.
Be Happy!! Be Strong!! Most of all, BE YOU!!! <3 xx
A little background on this relationship:
We moved really fast the first week, I swear the word marriage was out our mouths within the first week. Funny thing is, is that I didn't bring it up, he did. This being my first "real" relationship, I wanted to take it slow. I wanted to date and be wooed but he wanted to race to the finish line. A finish line I wasn't even sure I wanted with him yet. But, just the talk of marriage fills your head with hopes and you begin to see yourself able to marry the person beside you. I could very easily see marriage when he was by my side... Given this was a long distance relationship, he lives about an hour and 30 minutes away. When we weren't within the same vicinity of each other, he faltered and said he wasn't ready to commit. We went through this every week for 3 weeks. The last time he did it, I didn't let him back in. I was done.
I wasn't just done because of his indecisiveness. Being an active member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, I dream and desire a Temple marriage. Where I can be sealed for time and all eternity with the man I love; this is something I want right out of the gate. I don't want to be married civilly and then be sealed to my spouse and family for eternity. It is not how I imagine my wedding and I finally decided that I would settle for nothing less. At the point where this guy was at in his life, that's exactly what I would be doing getting married civilly and then somewhere down the road being sealed in the Temple. I came to really understand that that was not what I wanted and I honestly felt it would be better for him if I was just his friend. I could support him better that way as he got himself to a better point in his life.
I wrote this little snippet of how I was feeling one day and posted it on tumblr. I will put it here for you to read as well:
"Sometimes you find someone special and everything is perfect and it all fits. They fit. Your family loves them, they love your family, and all is happy and blissful. Except for one thing… They aren’t at a point in their life where things can move forward at a good healthy pace.
You’re then left to reason with yourself and try to decide what is best for you and for them in the scheme of things. How best to be the support they need without getting caught in the crossfire as they try and get themselves into a better place. Because you know that your feelings aren’t a toy and getting involved or staying involved would mean your feelings being played with, even if it isn’t on purpose. So you make the hardest decision of your life. You pull this amazing, fulfilling, beautiful relationship to a standstill. To where you are just two friends who love each other so much more than just friends because it is better that way. You cry. You miss them. You long to fall asleep in their arms again… But no matter how much you wish or how much you ache to be with them… You know you made the right decision. That you just being their friend is what they really need and that is the best way that you can love them is by allowing them the time they need to move forward and become who they want to be.
No matter how much it hurts and how much you miss them in every way, you have to somehow find peace in the fact that you made the right decision. That the love you still have for each other is enough because it HAS to be."
Doing that was the hardest decision of my life but I had more reasons then what has been previously listed. The Temple Marriage wasn't the only thing that made me decide to truly keep it as friends. My first post on here is from several years ago when I decided I would go on a mission. Since then, I was told to go back to school and I am happily in my third semester of attendance at Utah State University. I love it there and I am learning so much about myself and what I want to pursue career-wise in my life. It's liberating and fantastic! I'm majoring in English with my emphasis in Creative Writing and then I am minoring in American Sign Language. I L O V E SIGN LANGUAGE!!!! It's beautiful and just fantastic. Anyways, this last July, I was receiving a blessing from my step-dad and in it the Lord told me that if I still desired to serve a mission it was my choice. If I wanted to go it was my time and if I didn't that was alright, it was between He and I if I was to go or not. Since then I had been struggling with receiving a clear answer from the Lord on what I needed to do next in my life. Throughout this relationship, I had at the beginning of the year, I grew closer to my Father in Heaven once more. I was back to where I was when I received my blessing and going through the ups and downs with that guy, I received my answer. My next step was to serve a full-time LDS mission not to proceed to Marriage. Because of that answer, I was given the strength to stand up for myself and I am currently working hard towards that goal of serving a full-time 18 month mission for my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, and His Father.
I am so grateful for the opportunity to receive revelation from my Heavenly Father and for His unconditional love. I knew before and I know even more now that He will NEVER leave you desolate. He is always there and He is always conscious of you in every moment of your life. My favorite scripture to remind me of this is:
Moroni 8:3
"I am mindful of you always in my prayers, continually praying unto God the Father in the name of his Holy Child, Jesus, that he, through his infinite goodness and grace, will keep you through the endurance of faith on his name to the end (emphasis added)."
Through Him, I know that I can accomplish anything and reach the final destination which is to be in His presence once more with my family gathered around me. What a beautiful picture it paints! To be with your family forever under the loving hands of very loving Heavenly Parents. Without Him, I wouldn't have had the strength to do what I did. He gave me the strength I need because I was following His plan and I knew what I was doing was what the Lord desired and that made it all the easier. Do I still miss him somedays? You betcha! Even still, I know the right decision was made and now I am moving forward and becoming a better version of myself. Experiencing what I have, even though it was a short period of time, changed me and I learned much. For that I am grateful and will eternally be grateful. I finally had my first love. He will always have a special place in my heart and I am better for knowing him. Somehow, I hope he feels the same way about me.
Don't not give up what you want in life because something good or even great comes along. Strive for the best possible option! If you feel like you deserve better then go for it! Be strong enough to love yourself enough to continue forward for what you truly want. There will always be fear that maybe there isn't anyone else better. There is someone or something better. THERE ALWAYS IS! Fighting for what you deserve is important and when you have enough faith to trust that our Heavenly Father loves you enough then you know that whatever you desire above all else, is your future. If your desire is righteous and what He knows you need, He will always help you achieve it. If it isn't what He has planned for you be humble enough to accept His will because when we follow His will that is when we find true joy.
Remember that!! God bless you all!! Thank you for reading and I hope you enjoy your day!! Smile because everyone needs something bright in their day and your smile may just be what someone else needs.
Be Happy!! Be Strong!! Most of all, BE YOU!!! <3 xx
Wednesday, February 4, 2015
Finding Someone Special...
I know it has been quite some time since I have posted. Some much has changed and so much has not. I've recently experienced my first love and boy was it a 3 weeks whirlwind. I'm going to post something I wrote on my tumblr blog, which its title is the same as this blogs url, if you happen to want to follow my meanderings on tumblr as well, ha. This I wrote maybe a week or so into our relationship, when I was knee deep in love and had no idea what I was getting myself into by letting all of my walls down. So, here it goes...
"I never thought in a million years that I would find someone who would be special to me. Where the moment we met and started to talk, all the walls fell away and I was more comfortable with him than I had ever been with anyone else. It is strange to feel like that, where you don't feel like you need to hide anything and nothing feels forced and the two of you just seem to flow with the other. You stay up until 5 in the morning talking on the phone and the only reason the conversation ends is because you both fall asleep listening to each other breathe.
When you finally get to spend time together, one-on-one, and he is so familiar and comfortable to you that you just mold into his side and it feels like the most natural thing in the entire world. And as the day goes by with the two of you together, you start to recognize some of his quirks and you begin to know how to read him better. Once that happens you can tell when he is wanting to kiss you. Starting with kissing your forehead and the back of your hand, then slowly moving onto your nose and cheeks. As you anticipate the kiss, you begin to realize how much you really do want him to kiss you and so when it finally happens, you place your hand gently on his cheek and kiss him back. Your heart doesn't exactly soar but your mind is being blown by how familiar it feels.
When you cuddle together watching a movie, it is warm and you feel safe. You cuddle into his side more and sigh while you feel his chest rise and fall as you listen to the steady beat of his heart. In those moments, you realize how much in danger you are of falling head over heels for this guy who is the one who has finally seen you for you and has looked into you and wants you for all that you are. In those moments, when you are so comfortable wit him it feels familiar and it is easy and simple, you know that you have found someone special.
It is terrifying, exciting, exhilirating, mind-blowing, and smashing all at the same time. It's a rollercoaster of pure joy and like any rollercoaster some of it can be frightening but yet you still hold on and enjoy the ride because of the person sitting next to you, going through each rise and fall with you."
So, there ya have it. Kinda sappy right? That's okay. I think we all need a little sap sometimes in our life. Read the next instalment of my 3 week whirlwind romance in the next post, ha. ENJOY!!
"I never thought in a million years that I would find someone who would be special to me. Where the moment we met and started to talk, all the walls fell away and I was more comfortable with him than I had ever been with anyone else. It is strange to feel like that, where you don't feel like you need to hide anything and nothing feels forced and the two of you just seem to flow with the other. You stay up until 5 in the morning talking on the phone and the only reason the conversation ends is because you both fall asleep listening to each other breathe.
When you finally get to spend time together, one-on-one, and he is so familiar and comfortable to you that you just mold into his side and it feels like the most natural thing in the entire world. And as the day goes by with the two of you together, you start to recognize some of his quirks and you begin to know how to read him better. Once that happens you can tell when he is wanting to kiss you. Starting with kissing your forehead and the back of your hand, then slowly moving onto your nose and cheeks. As you anticipate the kiss, you begin to realize how much you really do want him to kiss you and so when it finally happens, you place your hand gently on his cheek and kiss him back. Your heart doesn't exactly soar but your mind is being blown by how familiar it feels.
When you cuddle together watching a movie, it is warm and you feel safe. You cuddle into his side more and sigh while you feel his chest rise and fall as you listen to the steady beat of his heart. In those moments, you realize how much in danger you are of falling head over heels for this guy who is the one who has finally seen you for you and has looked into you and wants you for all that you are. In those moments, when you are so comfortable wit him it feels familiar and it is easy and simple, you know that you have found someone special.
It is terrifying, exciting, exhilirating, mind-blowing, and smashing all at the same time. It's a rollercoaster of pure joy and like any rollercoaster some of it can be frightening but yet you still hold on and enjoy the ride because of the person sitting next to you, going through each rise and fall with you."
So, there ya have it. Kinda sappy right? That's okay. I think we all need a little sap sometimes in our life. Read the next instalment of my 3 week whirlwind romance in the next post, ha. ENJOY!!
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